….welcome to my thoughts


Fehr Thoughts

Single girl living and dating in Vancouver, sharing my thoughts on relationships. Many people spend years on the search for that perfect relationship, that perfect mate, but what is perfect for one, is a show-stopper for the next. I've always shared my dating stories with friends, and many have suggested to me that I should write some of these things down. So, here it is - my stories, and opinions - the good, the bad, and the ridiculous.

destructor – the green eyed monster

Jealousy is a funny animal. Funny not in a ha ha way, but in a poignant way. While I would describe myself as a person who does not really have any jealousy tendencies, I admit there are occasions of course where I have had jealous feelings.  However, those were usually born from warranted suspicion.   In certain scenarios when you are matched up with somebody with exaggerated jealousy tendencies in every aspect of their life, it tends to rub off on you in some shape or form, which is really unfortunate. It’s like walking in a mine field. It’s not an IF, it’s a matter of WHEN that bomb will go off.

I have learned hard lessons about jealousy, and regret the times when I did not abide by my own zero-tolerance rule for this. I don’t respond well at all to other people’s issues with needy jealousy, or the ultimatums that can often result from somebody trying to make themselves feel better by projecting their own insecurities on to me. If you decide to show somebody the door if their jealousy gets too much, stick with it. Don’t get sucked in if they come back with claims of a total about-face on their behaviour, because it will just come back ten-fold later on if they don’t truly address what it is that drives their jealousy. Jealousy is based in fear, and unless they address it at the root, it will continue to flourish.

If it’s not addressed, or if you allow it to continue by staying in the situation and just tip-toeing around the real problem, it may end up just having more of a negative impact on your own psyche in ways that you may not expect, and ironically, in turn that just solidifies the insecurities of the jealous person, like a twisted self-fulfilled prophecy. Until you realize that jealousy is just poison, it will just circle around and around and around, until you stop it and remove yourself. It’s a futile exercise trying to reason with or “fix” those people who are determined in their own narcissistic belief systems.  They may just feel that you’re just being unreasonable, or just plain unwilling to compromise. It always takes two tango, but adding jealousy to the mix is like having thumbtacks in your dancing shoes.

Relationships are about compromise, as always, but not when it comes down to a point when somebody throws out ultimatums to impact who is acceptable for you to call a friend. And curbing who you are simply in order to not make waves, doesn’t sound like much of a deal to me either. When it gets to that point, nothing you ever do will be enough to satiate their need to dominate and they will never feel loved enough, so stop trying to change that in them.  So to avoid becoming an unhappy shell of who you really are to try to make something work that was doomed by jealousy to begin with, just walk away. Save yourself.

check the expiry date…

….sometimes you need to check in with your relationships like a container of milk.  The date on it may still be ok, but often times the sniff-test proves that it’s gone sour.  Time to toss it out.

My friends used to give me a hard time about being the Queen of the Three Month Kill.  But it’s a dating tactic that works for me.  Once you get into the swing of dating somebody somewhat regularly, within that 3 month time frame you tend to see a broader range of that person’s overall personality – their quirks, their depth (if they have any, HA!), their morals (or lack thereof), their dreams, their fears, or whatever.  Either way, I figure that within that time period I can establish if this person is worth keeping around to investigating further or whether it’s time to call it a day and move on.  If it’s a full on relationship that you’re looking for, then why drag it out if you aren’t feeling it?  Unless you’re just there for the shag, then that’s a different story all together.  A post for another day perhaps…

Sometimes in that 3 month period, the person really shows you their true self and your inner self tells you that it’s obvious that it’s just not going to work out.  I would always suggest listening to this little voice – it’s usually right.  It reminds me of a blog post I read a while back from one of my fave go-to bloggers which reminded me of this fact.

Sometimes I’ve ignored this voice and push on anyway, even if the voice was loud and clear.  I’m not entirely sure of why that is, maybe I was trying to give more chances than I typically would, so that I could feel good about the fact that I really tried.  Maybe it was just all too Pollyanna, and it usually ends up biting me in the ass.  And the last thing you want to do to yourself is look back and kill yourself with the “I should have known…” because that’s just going to make you feel worse.

Always trust your instinct.

bad first date. period.

First dates are glorious.  Seriously, no joke.  Even when they’re so horrible or bizarre that you think you’re being Punk’d, they’re still great.  Sometimes they’re so outlandish that you have to be thankful for it just for the story alone.

I was having this very conversation the other day with a friend of mine, and she told me about a recent doozy that I just had to share – with permission of course!

So, dude says he wants to go indoor rock-climbing, and she’s game so he picks her up and off they go.  Outside the gym, he gives her a crash course on how to belay so that when they go in she’ll pass her test so that they can both belay for one another.  So far so good!  They get in and she passes her test with flying colours, and then he  pays for HIS pass and steps aside to put on his shoes and equipment.  She’s a bit taken aback that he didn’t pay for both of their passes, but ok, she shakes it off and gets herself all paid up and also gets her equipment on.

They move over to the climbing wall and she’s first to get her climb on.  She’s halfway up the wall, when quite suddenly and rather unexpected she realizes that she’s literally JUST gotten her period.  And not just a cramp or two and that feeling that you know it’s on its way – no.  It was a full on, flood gates open, get-me-down-from-here type emergency.

She comes down and excuses herself to the ladies room, to find no dispensers in site, and none of the girls working in the gym had anything to help her out either.  She had to go back to dude, and awkwardly tell him what had happened and that she can no longer climb.

He seems a bit bummed about it, but must realize there’s not much choice.  As if that all isn’t awkward enough, she has to get him to drive all over so she can get tampons and take care of the situation, which I was surprised to hear that he agreed to do.  However, she had to endure listening to him complain the whole time that he lost out on his $20 for the gym and didn’t even get to climb.  Really?  Ya, because choosing that moment to show how cheap you is really going to make the situation just that much more pleasant.

Ironically, and surprisingly enough, they have continued to see each other since then, but have agreed that all they have in common is great sex.  And sometimes that’s enough.

I’ll be waiting…

Relationships can be frustrating, infuriating, confusing, and utterly bewildering.  Just as often though, they can leave you with some wonderfully hilarious nuggets to look back on, not to mention they’re fun to write about!  When it comes to these juicy gems, I have scads, but was reminded of this particular one during a conversation recently.

The guy in question was a nice enough guy, we dated for a while – 7 months or so – and he was actually fairly chivalrous, which I do really appreciate.  The chivalry did go a little overboard at times, and I hate to even say that, but there is a fine balance.  I know, I’m fickle  – so sue me.

In any case, I ended the relationship – and just to be clear, the end was completely unrelated to the chivalry.  But anyway, after a few weeks or so, he started to text me that he really missed me and wanted to meet and talk about things.  Now, as a rule I tend to not give a lot of second chances.  I’ve broken this rule a few times, and each time it’s proved to have been a mistake to give a second chance.  If something in the relationship got you to a point where you felt you had to end it, there must have been a reason.  It’s not to say that second chances never work out, but more often than not, things that bothered you before will continue to bother you.  Ok, so I digressed there a bit.

So, he continued texting me, and I continued replying that I didn’t want to meet, and that he needed to respect my request to let it be.  He persisted for quite a while, to which I eventually stopped responding – it just got pointless, and boring, to keep texting back “no”.  In the meantime, he had been so confident that I’d agree to meet with him that he had taken it upon himself to go to the coffee shop across the street from my apartment.  Now, I’m not sure if you would find this romantic or noble, but I just found it creepy.

In his final bid to get me to come and meet him, he proclaimed that he “would wait at the coffee shop for me until it closed, and if I didn’t come then he would accept that it was truly over.”

After I stopped laughing, I thought to myself, “Should I tell him that coffee shop is open 24 hours?”  I never did.  He could still be there for all I know.


listen all y’all it’s a sabotage!

Sabotage is something that a lot of people have experienced in their relationships, either on the giving end, or the receiving. Me, I have been unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end in the past. I suppose each time you go through something like that, at least you can remind yourself that you can take your lessons from it and move on. But seriously, I have to admit I’m really getting sick of learning these things this way! Anyhoo, moving on.

Sometimes people look back on their relationships, and they come to realize that they have sabotaged, but may not have even been aware of it at the time. While others knowingly undermine their relationship because they are unhappy and make a conscious decision to do something to cause it to end.

For folks who fit in the former category, you really need to step back and look at the reasons behind why you sabotage. Much of what could be responsible, among many others, is projecting your past into each relationship. This will only continue on in each new relationship until you decide to investigate why, and make a concerted effort to change, and only then will you be on your way to a healthy relationship.

For those who fall into the latter category the story is entirely different, at least in my opinion. And I may be biased, but I feel my opinion on this matter is somewhat warranted, since I’ve been through it – did I mention it was the receiving end? Ok, just making sure.

Alright, for all you saboteurs in the house, if you find yourself in a relationship where you are truly not happy, no longer inspired, bored, whatever, you have choices available to you, but it’s up to you to do the right thing. Sadly, some people find simple honesty and open communication to be too emotionally taxing of a choice to go with. As an alternative, some resort to all sorts of devious options, hoping that the other person will get to their breaking point and end the relationship. Either way, it comes down to choice. Just like it was my choice to get outta dodge when I finally stumbled upon all the things going on in my relationship that I didn’t know about. Best decision I ever made, and I never once doubted it was the right call. I respect and love myself way too much to put up with cheating, lying, and deceit. There’s just some things that, to me, aren’t worth working through.

Everything we do as adults is a choice, and if you want to go the route of intentional sabotage, then that is what YOU decided, nobody can force you to make that choice. And if you ask me, which maybe you didn’t, but you ARE reading this, so…. my opinion on intentional sabotage is that it’s the coward’s way out. There, I said it.

But picture this – let’s say you decide to come forward with honesty and respect to end a relationship, just imagine how that might feel. Feels like being grownup, right? Yeah! Sure, the relationship will end, and there will be hurt and sadness around that, that’s a given. But imagine how you’ll feel about yourself being able to walk away knowing you did the right thing, and didn’t go out of your way to hurt somebody else. You will both be happy for that when you look back on it.

I heard a great quote today, and aside from that I think it came from a Dexter episode, it still resonated with me, and now I will share it with you – you are so lucky, hey?

Never lie to someone who trusts you; never trust someone who lies to you.

Just consider it, that is all.

25% off your charm

I always love trading dating stories with my single friends, both guys and girls, because there are so many amazing and baffling stories from everybody’s experiences in the dating world.

An acquaintance was on a date with a new guy, I think it was maybe their first or second date. They had gone out for a nice dinner and from what I know the conversation was decent, and the date had gone relatively well. At the end of the date, the bill arrives. Now, I know for me this can be somewhat of an awkward point for a few reasons, but maybe that’s another post. Anyway, the bill comes and the dude picks up the billfold to pay the bill and whips out a coupon. When I heard this my jaw dropped – as did the others around me, so I’m not the only one who thought this was a bad call. There was a collective “oooooohhhh…” from the whole group. It’s not that I’m against coupons, that’s not the case at all. I just don’t think they have any business being brought out on a first or second (or third, or fourth…) date. Bad move. It’s sort of like saying, “hey, I think you’re neat, and I really want to take you out for dinner, but I just don’t think you’re worth 100% of the value of this meal.” Hmm. Good impression? I don’t think so.

Maybe I’d have to pull out my own coupon – 100% off the value of the date. And would I be able to get a refund on my time?

bait and switch

Have you ever agreed to buy something based on what the salesperson promised you, only to find out when you got home that you were duped? So now that hot pair of jeans that the sales lady told you that you would stop traffic in, is only going to stop traffic because they make your ass look huge! But you bought them. Why? Because you trusted what she told you. In the retail world this is a form of fraud called bait and switch.

That very same thing happens in relationships all the time – trust me, I know. It sometimes happens innocently enough – you meet a new person and they really want to impress you, so they pretend that they really love Justin Bieber* too, but really they wanting to stab themself in the ears with an ice pick when they hear him sing. They want so badly to relate to you, that the truth gets stretched. If this truth-stretching doesn’t cross the line, and is well intended, and all they have to do then is make it through a bad concert here and there to make you happy, then no biggie. Often times though, they’ve weaved so many lies to try to impress you before they even know how to get out of it. This is when it can take a sharp left turn and derail.

Sometimes the story weaving can get way out of control, even though the person knows themselves, and know that they’re digging themselves a hole that continues to get deeper and deeper. For example, let’s pretend that you’re having a heart to heart chat about morals in relationships, and they wholeheartedly agree with your viewpoint on dishonesty and deception (and, to be clear, your viewpoint is that these are BAD qualities). You think to yourself “Wow, this person really has the same moral views I do! Huzzah!” and off you go in to relationship-land, none the wiser, thinking you’ve met your moral equal. But ‘equal’ in this case turns out to be the equivalent of the “big ass” jeans that saleslady sold you. She sold you a lie, and you bought it, because you really loved those jeans. You loved them so much that you bought her story that they were perfect for you. When the truth is those jeans are horrendous, and will only make you feel horrible. People will point and laugh at how appalling those jeans are. Oh yah, and they give you camel toe. Take those jeans to the goodwill and wash your hands of them. Pronto.

Point is, sometimes people aren’t really who they sell themselves to be – even if they actually believe their own lies that they truly are the person they claim to be. Or even if they really WANT to be as honorable as they promote themselves, they just aren’t.

*any reference to the love of Justin Bieber is purely fictional.

chivalry is not dead…

…it’s just severely injured.

I have had conversations with my guy friends on this topic, and one of them asked if women notice or appreciate chivalry. Now, I can’t speak for the rest of my sister-kind, but I can say wholeheartedly that I do indeed notice, and appreciate, acts of chivalry. I notice it from random strangers, friends, and of COURSE, men that I date. I also duly note the lack thereof from the latter category. I am disinclined to say that I judge on this, but the fact of the matter is that I do, at least to some degree. I am not going to write a guy off because he didn’t open a car door for me once in a while, but it does not go unnoticed. And to note, I try to always say thank you. Polite deserves polite. It’s not like I’m going to stand at a closed door, and give stink-eye until it’s opened for me. My arms aren’t broken, I can open a door. However, if chivalry steps in and you open the door for me, I will notice. I have opened many a door for people, and personally, it’s gratifying for me when I get a smile out of it. It makes me feel great to do something nice just because.

It wasnt’ until the mid to later half of my 20’s when I was dating somebody who was extremely chivalrous, and I really got to liking being treated that way. Feminists at ease – put down the bra and lighter. I am not out to turn back the clock on women’s rights or anything here, but dammit I like it when somebody thinks to open a door for me, or gestures their hand to let me walk out of the elevator first. So sue me, I think it’s nice to be treated like a lady, even if I don’t always act like one.

I have also been in the opposite situation when dating somebody, where never is there a door opened, or the hand is out in “you first” style. I have also on occasion encountered not only a serious lack of chivalry, but consideration, and have said to myself “seriously?”. Now, this is not to say this person may not be courteous in other ways, or isn’t a nice person. Maybe they weren’t taught that skill. Or maybe it really is that they don’t give a shit. I guess that’s a call that has to be determined in the course of getting to know somebody. Maybe if you mentioned to them that you like that, then perhaps a shift will occur. Or perhaps not. Who knows. Personally, I tend to link chivalry with a general consideration of other people and the space around you.

But it also stands to reason, that if a guy goes out of his way with even as small a gesture as opening a door that it’s more likely that I will make a point to do something thoughtful in return to show my appreciation (get ‘yer minds out of the gutter). And then guess what!? We may just develop mutual kindness and respect! Imagine that.

But at the end of the day, it really shows that it doesn’t always take a grand gesture to show you care. After all, it’s the little things that make up the bulk of life anyway, why not put effort there too? I’m just sayin…

I blame my parents

When you’re a little kid, your parents encourage you to do your best and achieve, and they try to instill their values in you and make you a good person.  My parents were no different.  I recall a particular time when I was sick with the flu, and I barfed on the couch.  Not entirely part of the story, but still a vivid memory.  I recall lying on the couch feeling like death, but when my dad got home from work he came over to me and he had brought a rose and box of popsicles for me because he knew I was sick and he knew this would cheer me up.  He always used to refer to those popsicles as “medicated popsicles”, and I’d be all over them.  My dad always treated my sister and I like princesses, and he’d always bring us a box of chocolates at Valentines Day.  We knew we were special, and I have never forgotten that.

As we got older, he was just protective enough, but just short of being intimidating to boys when they came to pick us up.  He and my mom were always gracious and welcoming, don’t get me wrong.  But they would never say “that guys a dick”, they would always trust us to figure that out.  Of course, I do remember my mom saying something to me once about a boyfriend that snapped me out of my deliriousness and I broke up with him shortly thereafter.  Again, not part of the story, but still a good memory of my mom telling me in her own way that this guy was not good enough for her daughter.  My parents gave my siblings and I a long leash for the most part, and allowed us to learn from our own mistakes.  Don’t be mistaken, when we crossed the line, you knew it, that’s for sure.

But I clearly remember my dad saying to me one day that “if you are not number one in your partner’s life, then something is drastically wrong”.  This is something I have carried with me since then.  I’ve strayed from that a few times, and have taken second place, but only to learn that there’s a reason it’s second place.  Perhaps this is a main reason that my expectations in a partner are so high, but really, is that a bad thing? I expect to be important to my partner.  Doesn’t sound so ridiculous, does it?  I don’t think so, but it’s surprising to find that this isn’t as important to a lot of other people as you might think.  Now, I’m not saying that I am a daddy’s girl and want to find somebody just like him.  That’s not it.  I see my parents as people, friends even, and they have faults just like anybody else.  But it’s these things that they have taught me that remain important.  That I am important, and I deserve to be important to somebody else, and if I’m not, then something is wrong.  Everybody deserves that.  Everybody.  That also means that if I’m with somebody who I’m not willing to make more important than everything else, then it’s not right.

So, you can choose to take the backseat to somebody’s career, or just be second place because you feel that’s okay with you.  Maybe you don’t think you deserve better, or maybe you don’t see a problem with that.  But I do.  I’m just sayin’.

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