….welcome to my thoughts


Fehr Thoughts

Single girl living and dating in Vancouver, sharing my thoughts on relationships. Many people spend years on the search for that perfect relationship, that perfect mate, but what is perfect for one, is a show-stopper for the next. I've always shared my dating stories with friends, and many have suggested to me that I should write some of these things down. So, here it is - my stories, and opinions - the good, the bad, and the ridiculous.

there’s no crying!

It’s a fairly safe assumption if you date somebody that they have dated other people prior to meeting you, and that maybe some of those past experiences are less than stellar. However, it’s a bit of a red flag for me when those past experiences creep into the present. People are shaped by their experiences, and that’s to be expected. But when the person on the couch across from you is shedding tears about an ex-girlfriend who wasn’t so nice and they want to talk to you about it for hours on end, or they go quiet and broody at hearing a song that reminds them of her, then I gotta realize this is not going to bode well for me (see my previous reference to NOT wanting a fix’er upper). I don’t want to see a guy cry to me about his ex-girlfriend. Sorry, I just don’t. I’m not saying I have any problem with a guy crying, in fact, it shows that he’s human, and has emotions (which is a good thing). I just don’t want to see the waterworks and have to be a counsellor for your past relationship problems. Nor, should you want to be mine (it’s gotta go both ways!). And I can guarantee that I’ve been no poster child for doing the right thing here, I’m sure I’ve scared somebody off with the same thing!

But it is a symptom of a bigger problem, called “Not over it”. If you’re really not over it, but still want to get out there and get back on the dating train, then that’s great, you’ll be doing yourself some good to go be social, and get back on the proverbial horse. But keep the waterworks for your close friends, not a new date. Nothing will scare off a potential new mate, or make them want to chew off their own arm to get out more than that, or maybe that was just my reaction. And besides, nobody wants to live in the shadow of your love gone wrong.

single or settle?

Single and lonely, or in a relationship and miserable? Okay, that sounds pretty bleak, but sometimes people make choices in life to satisfy what is important to them.

Anybody who really knows me knows that I love the feeling of being in a relationship. Not to be misunderstood as “I need to be in a relationship”, that’s not the case at all. I have an amazing family, great friends, a job I enjoy, live in a city I love – I am happy. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get lonely on occasion, I do, just like anybody else. Especially when you see those adorably cute couples doling out PDA at random. Now, I’m not talking about seeing a couple nearly making a porno in the street, you know the kind – when it makes you have to bite your tongue to not say “get a room!” I’m talking about something that some people wouldn’t even take note of, something seemingly insignificant – it could just be a certain look. Makes me gag a bit, but in that “aww, that’s so sweet” kind of way, you’ve just witnessed a random beautiful moment between two people who actually care about one another. It tends to make me feel a wee bit lonely inside, but also makes me all warm inside at the same time, to see people happy. But I don’t “need” a relationship to make me whole. I have a bit of trouble with the “you complete me” notion. It somehow makes it seem like maybe some part of you was not right until somebody else fixed that for you. I feel good enough on my own, I want somebody who complements my life, and I would expect that I would do the same for them. I don’t want a fix’er upper.

I’m meandering a bit, but the point I’m trying to make is that feeling that somebody can give you just with a look is to me the epitome of that relationship feeling I like so much. To me, that’s very important, that connection. Without that connection, for me, I tend to think “why bother”? Let me explain. Anybody can meet somebody and form a relationship, but without that connection, you’re just two people existing in the same space. Maybe it’s happy, and comfortable, but without that spark, that feeling that melts your insides, then to me, it’s not right. But for some people it’s enough. Is that settling? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the person and if you feel like you are with somebody who is merely “good enough”. Because, let’s be honest, that spark, the butterflies don’t roll with you 24/7, I understand that. But if you’re with somebody who just fills space for you, then what’s the point? Companionship? Maybe. I tend to look at it from the point of view of what if I was with somebody who thought I was just “good enough” for them? If you think about it, that really wouldn’t be fair for either party. By them choosing “good enough”, they could potentially be holding themselves back from meeting that person who really rocks their world, and vice versa. Because maybe what’s just good enough for me, is the person of somebody else’s dreams.

If all I wanted was to just be with somebody, I could have had that by now. If I wanted to accept “good enough”, but for me just the basic companionship is not enough. I want the gushy insides. Maybe I’m chasing a fairy-tale, then so be it. But I also appreciate the fact that relationships are work at the best of times, and just because somebody may make you feel like you’re floating doesn’t mean that it won’t also take effort with them. So, whether your choice is to continue on with the search until you find somebody that makes you melt, or to form a relationship with somebody who provides a warm body nearby, I just hope at the end of the day that you’re happy about the choices you make. If you feel that you’ve had to give up your ideals along the way, then maybe there’s a problem. I’m just sayin’.

the search for perfection – check!

Have you found it?  Would you know it if you came across it?  Could you describe it to somebody if they asked you to?  Perfection.  It’s so vastly different to each person.  What’s perfect to me might make somebody else run for the hills.  What it is to you?

I’m sure a lot of people keep a checklist, if even a mental one of what their perfect is, of their perfect match, their perfect relationship.  But what happens if you get so caught up in what you think is perfect, you totally miss the boat?  I admit it, I have a checklist – of sorts.  It’s not a very rigid one mind you, just a smattering of preferences I have as well as some show-stoppers, compiled from past experiences, mixed in with some girlie fairy tale wishes (I know, gag!).  It’s not like I have anything written down, just things that, over time, have made me say “hmm, note to the file on that one” when I’ve encountered something a bit nutty, or something spectacular.  Mostly it’s about knowing myself, and what works best for me, or what hasn’t worked previously. I try to be as open-minded as I can, so I don’t paint myself into a corner, but let’s be honest, there are just somethings we each know we don’t want.

What is perfect anyway?  How do you know?  By checking off items on a list, a gut feeling, what?  And is perfect really perfect, or is it just having somebody who doesn’t drive you nuts on a consistent basis?  I’ve found snippets of perfect here and there, but not in one overall package.  If only I could do some Frankensteining to mash those bits together.  But I do know this, perfection is solely in the eye of the beholder.  I don’t actually expect “perfection”, just perfect for me.

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